How to increase sex drive
Oh that sweet nectar of warmth and accelerated pulse, the enlivening sex drive that can often occur in new relationships, young years or simply certain periods of our lives. And then it comes crashing down during breastfeeding, menopause, in long-term relationships or even seemingly without any reason at all!
In this article you will find many pointers and ideas on how to take sex drive from your wish-list into your fuck-yes-I-feel-it-list again.
1. Make it a priority
Before we even start on this journey, let‘s make a commitment. „I commit to making my sexuality a priority in my life“. Chances are that you are going to read this article, maybe nod and feel excited and then switch to something else on your computer or in your life and all your fine resolutions will have vanished like that one nail polish you once thought would look great on you but ended up collecting dust instead. Let‘s not make this article a dust-collecting remains of sexy resolutions in your mind. Commit to actually taking your sex drive on a… well on a drive.
So the first step on that road trip of yours is to make it a priority and actually make time for it. „It“ being you, your body, your sexuality. On my opinion, sexuality is definitely a primordial part of self care.
2. Free your mind
A free mind is 100% definitely, ultimately, unmistakenly a basic without which many of the other tips and techniques you might try might all just not work.
Do you know these moments when you start being sexual with yourself or a partner and suddenly you start thinking about the grocery list? Or the laundry you have to take out? Or that thing you need to discuss with your partner? Or that fight with your friend… it can be so easy to wander off with our minds, or even to start worrying about what‘s happening „oh, I am not getting wet“ or „oh, I hope my belly looks flat“ and BAM, we are transported away from our physical sensations into the mind and there are few things more libido-killing than a busy mind.
Here are some tools you can use to free your mind:
- write in a journal all your thoughts, worries, ideas that might be popping up for you
- make a to-do list so that you can trust that you will remember what needs to be done once your sexy time is over
- if you want to be sexual with your partner, make sure to have any important discussion regarding your relationship if there is anything worrying you or preventing you from surrendering to the moment
- make it a practice to reconnect to your body throughout the day. It can even look like a meditation practice, where you can focus on your breath or focus on the feeling of living in your body. If you are used to focussing on your body on the daily it will be easier to do so in sexual contexts.
3. Use all your senses
This is also a good way to focus your mind back on the body, but also a potent way to increase pleasure and aliveness. You can do this also throughout the day:
- smell: smelling your food, nature and other sents…
- touch: feeling the texture of wood, clothes on your skin, your fingers on skin…
- sight: looking at colours, light and shadows, shapes around you, eyes…
- taste: tasting foods, a kiss, cold water, and air when you breathe with an open mouth…
- sound: listening to the sounds of birds, wind, breath and everyday activities, turning on sweet music very quietly and attentively listening…
Focussing on the five senses brings sensuality into your life. Sensuality and sexuality tend to influence each other.
4. Be comfortable with yourself
How intimate are you with your body? Try these practices:
- sleeping nacked
- Mirror gazing: look at your naked self in the mirror without judging what you see. Simply observing, witnessing the body that was gifted to you
- Self caressing, even in a non-sexual way, is very helpful and beautiful for feeling intimate and comfortable in yourself. So massage, stroke, lightly tickle yourself.
5. Drama it up
When highly aroused, the body tends to move, to breathe more intensely and to moan. The amazing thing about the body is that this reaction can be reversed. Just as many studies have shown that fake-smiling or fake-laughing releases positive hormones in our brains, self-induced sounding, moving and heavy breathing gives a signal to your brain and body that you are aroused. This is not about „faking it“ for someone else or pretenting to have an orgasm, it is simply your own tool for increasing turn on in your body.
6. Increase blood-flow
Turn on is very connected to blood-flow. When we are aroused our hearts beat faster, blood warms up the body and our intimate parts, letting them swell and become wet. Some women have very tight pelvic floor muscles that, because of their tensed state, aren‘t really allowing an easy blood-flow and therefore preventing the swelling, warming up and “wettening” of the vagina.
During menopause and breastfeeding, vaginal dryness is also often a natural reaction of the body. To help with blood-flow and with regaining elasticity in your pelvic floor muscles, here are a few practices:
- Work out and get moving. Cardio or HIIT training increase overall bloodflow in the body
- Adding foods that are rich in antioxidants like walnuts, blueberries, green tea or dark chocolate to your diet can be helpful for your overall bloodflow as well
- Intimate massage, which means massaging the inside of your vagina with your finger, consciously breathing into and relaxing her
- Kegel or Yoni Egg exercises, squeezing and then relaxing the pelvic floor muscles
7. Try new things
Sometimes we might be bored. There can be an automatism in sex or self-pleasure that simply isn‘t that sexy anymore. Our bodies might be craving some excitement, some newness and there is so much to discover in that realm!
You can start by touching yourself or being touched in a different way than before. How about exploring pussy massage, using a feather or laying on a silky blanket to change the sensory experience of your sexy time?
How about adding some aromatherapy, light or intense music, switching rooms, trying role play, spanking, switching up your fantasies in your head or even removing them completely and trying full presence?
8. Embrace where you are now
Especially during or after menopause or within long-term relationships, there can be a mourning of how things used to be and a wish for them to just be as they were in the past.
Maybe this is an opportunity to try new things, to introduce longer and different foreplay, to get to know yourself and your partner anew, to explore this changing body and evolving relationship dynamic and see this challenge as an opportunity to try new things, be it in your self-pleasure or with your partner(s).
Also allow yourself to use lubricant, pillows, to find enjoyable and comfortable positions.
9. Think sexy daily
Let‘s be honest, work, to-do lists and life overall can be very mind-consuming. Sexy thoughts can be the last thing that really enters our minds in our every day life.
There is something I have observed about the gym-culture of today. We sit all day in front of our screens, in public transport or cars or at the dinner table, in front of the TV, on the couch or at a bar with your friends. And then we introduce an hour of gym three or four times a weeks, when suddenly the body is supposed to go from zero to hero so that we can avoid back pain and achieve physique goals. I am not condemning this way of operating, and it for sure is much better than not working out at all.
But I have found that we tend to have the same mindset when it comes to sexuality. At that one moment of the day, suddenly, we expect ourselves to go from cold to warm and damn us weird „broken“ asexual beings if we don‘t manage to switch that switch as quickly as we wished we could function. What an intense stressful concept and expectation.
What I invite you to do is to introduce sexuality more frequently.
Just as some will propose you take the stairs and walk to work to keep the body moving throughout the day, I propose that you feel your senses and think sexy thoughts or do a little breast massage throughout your day. Yes, I have touched my breasts, hidden my my scarf and sweater while sitting in a train. No one noticed. You could also read ten minutes of erotica or do some sensual dancing between daily chores, or stroke your vulva on top of your pants, just to say “hi”.
To help remember those little sexy breaks, you could have an alarm clock four of five times a day for example.
10. Tips for men (and women)
This article is directed towards women, but I want to include a few small extra tips that can be especially helpful for men.
- A big reason for erection issues for men is often an overuse of porn. So porn-fasting can be very helpful. Of course, women can also benefit from porn fasting. This intense visual stimulation, on top of a conditioning of what sex and people should look like can be very inhibiting when we find ourselves having real-life sexual experiences.
- Also play around with semen retention and overall ejaculating less frequently. Some research around multi-orgasms can help with that. For women, trying to avoid only having shallow clitoral orgasms happening with a lot of tension of the body muscles can help as well.
- And explore the art of edging, meaning coming close to orgasm and than relaxing the body and lowering stimulation in order to not orgasm. And then you repeat. The more you edge, the more pleasure builds up. If you do end up having an orgasm it will feel much more intense. This again is true for both men and women.